casting your cares

Took this tonight after my run tonight. I have had a few rough days, so I'm kinda digging myself back out of those thoughts of... why me? when is it my turn? where are my babies? when will they be in my arms? when will I get to prepare a nursery for our babies? 

All of these questions have been plaguing my mind. I just laid in the bed last night with tears just streaming down my face, thinking about my babies that WILL someday be in my arms. 

Somehow. 

Someway. 

They will get to us. 

They will be ours. 

And boy, will we love them! 

It's going to be so sweet, because of this journey that we've been on, when we are finally holding what we've prayed for for so long. 

I do know this, God is faithful. He has always been and He will always be. I have definitely learned how to cast my cares. I did it this morning, otherwise, I would have cried today at school and we just can't have any of that. 

I called out to Him and He answered. 

He took away my pain. 

That's the kind of God that I serve. 

Gonna rest tonight knowing who holds my heart and future. 

so grateful. 

KB 

Progesterone Results

Update... GO! 

I called to see if my lab results were in around 3:30, but of course, the nurse was busy so I had to wait to hear back. (Not hating, but I really wanted to know the results!) 

She called back around 5:00 and explained that my OB would have to call me back and explain the other results besides the progesterone. I'm not exactly sure what else they tested, I guess I'll find out tomorrow. 

She told me that my progesterone level was at 4.54, but they wanted it to be a 5. I was totally bummed as soon as I heard that, but she was pretty sure that if I would have gotten the test done last Friday, then it would have shone I did ovulate. I asked if this was related to pregnancy and she said no. That comforted me a little because I was hoping to hear a really high number because that's what I thought it was suppose to be. 

I guess I'll hear from my OB tomorrow and chat with him a little bit. I'll update about those results if it's important enough :) 

I'm pretty sure I've decided to just wait on George and not test. My next RE appt is Monday. If George has not ruined my life, I will take a test when I'm there, but if he did come, then we will plan what's happening on the next cycle. 

Happy Tuesday :) 

****SARA: I do not know how to reply to the comments :) And yes, calling it George is something that I've done since high school. My sweet awesome best friend from high school called it that, so I started calling it that too! :) 

I do not know about increasing or adding progesterone. Why would I have that done? 

And now we wait....

Hi there friends! So today, as you know, was IUI day! Now, I will recap what the day was like because it was so awesome that I feel you need to know all the fabulous details. 

My appt was scheduled for 9:30, so we grabbed some breakfast at CFA around 7:00 and got on the road, Jack! 

Very unlike my husband, but we didn't listen to music the whole time. We caught up on life, what we were feeling, and talked about the future a little bit. It was really nice and refreshing. 

I've read a ton of blogs and listen to experiences others have had with IUIs so I had some expectations, but I also didn't know if my doc would do things a little differently. 

We went directly back to the lab, of course, they took more of my blood and the husb did his part (ya know what I mean, so I'm not going to in to details). They told us it would take about 1 hour to "wash" them up, so we took off! 

Where else? A coffee shop! Our friend is opening a new coffee shop up there in about a week, so we went to check it out. He also made us a little latte, which was delish! 

We got back to the doc office and waited for a little bit. At this point, I was feeling very anxious, because I didn't know how it was going to feel... was it going to hurt? would it be like a pinch? would it not hurt at all? Ah! I was like just do it already! 

Then... A woman walks in... I was thinking.. Uh... where's my doctor?? She seemed to know what she was doing so I just rolled with it. At first, I thought the doc would come in a little bit, but that didn't happen. She told showed up the sperm and they were PINK.. of course, she said, well that means that y'all are gonna have a girl... we looked at each like... um what are you talking about? It was a good time. She said the the sperm count was awesome..wayyy over the "normal" number. I definitely gave the husb a fist bump at this point. Way to go, baby! HA! She also said my CM was lookin' good. 

Then, we got started. We were all talking and next thing I knew, she was done! Didn't feel a thing! Easy peasy! I laid there for about 15 min (just to be on the safe side). She said to go about my normal routine and I was thinking.. Are you sure? Don't I need to lay on my back for the next two weeks??? I just feel like I shouldn't do anything until I'm able to take a test. Maybe I'll just stay home all week :) 

I did lay down in the backseat, just to give the spermies some extra help. :) 

I'm feeling really good, but I do feel some cramping. I have all sorts of emotions going on. I do know that there is a chance that this will not work, and it's hard to be extremely excited (but I sooo am!!) 

I am so painfully aware of how far we've come and what it could take to become pregnant. This is going to the longest 2 weeks of my LIFE! I've been through this wait 24+ times, but I've never had a reason to believe it would actually work. So, here's to waiting. Cheers. 

And for your half time entertainment... some pictures. 

 My super fine husb! 

Delish coffee! 

laying down in the back seat :) 

2013, let's do this! 

#believe #hopeful #pleaseLord

Have a great weekend! :) 

smiley face.

Got a smiley face at 11:15 this morning! 

IUI #1 is scheduled for 9:30 a.m. with our RE in Bham tomorrow morning! 

Say some prayers for us! :) 

Beginning or End?

Holla. 

So, since I've started blogging about our journey to have a child, I've been shocked at how many blogs there are about people struggling with infertility or who are on the other side. Saying that this is comforting, is an understatement. This is such a difficult journey and it's so awesome to know that there are other women who understand what you are going through. All of this to say, that I started reading a blog yesterday called Our Pathway to Parenthood. (I'm going to write about her like I know her personally, but I don't). Courtney wrote something in one of her posts and I have not been able to stop thinking about it all day. 

This is what she wrote at the end of one of her posts: 

Our story does not end because we are pregnant.  The end result was not that we would conceive a child, but that we would seek God throughout our journey and have faith in HIS plan. 

Um, yeah! Totally legit. It is so very difficult for this circumstance to not consume me. And, I know, believe me, that I have definitely let it at times. But, I do know now that our journey does not begin or end with us becoming pregnant. I know it sounds really silly to think about me even thinking like this, but it is so easy to think that once we are pregnant that all our worries will just fly out the window. Um, not the case. Just think, WHEN we do have our child (or children) we still have to raise them to be Jesus-loving, people-loving, God-fearing, children of our God. And not to mention, all of the things that life throws at us. This is Life. I am in the middle of it and I am LIVING it. I'm not shying behind my infertility, shame, anxiety (amongst other things!!) I am putting it ALL out there and LIVING. 

I am living for the "well done, my good and faithful servant"....He is faithful, I have no reason to doubt Him, He has always been faithful. He has the rap sheet to prove it. 

On another note: 

Can't wait to attend 401 tomorrow and join the Greeter Team! New adventure for me because I have served in Preschool since we moved here 4 years ago. I am very excited to see how the Lord using me in this ministry at the church! Also, very pumped to hear another fabulous message from our pastor and leave feeling extremely encouraged. If ya can't make it remember that you can join us online! 

Have a fabulous rest of your weekend, friends! 

Love,

KB

it's only wednesday

Um, good thing that I went ahead and filled my prescription for clomid because I was suppose to start TODAY! Uh, definitely thought I was suppose to start on CD 10. 

It has been a crazy week so far with my woman issues coming again, ya know, you would think I'd be used to the pain by now, NOPE, I'm not. Also, our slightly psycho dog, Duke, had a little snip-snip procedure. So, he whined all through the night, and the husb was gone because he lead worship for 21 Days of Prayer in Bham this morning. (side-bar, so very proud of him!!!) I haven't seen him since Monday night for like 30 minutes. We do not do well as far as communication goes if we do not see each other for a substantial amount of time. All of that to say, it's been crazy, busy, and stressful week and it's only Wednesday. 

Okay, back to the drugs, btw, never thought I'd be here. Taking drugs to get pregnant? Do what?! I told a friend just last night, that I honestly feel like I'm in a dream. If someone would have told me 5 or 6 years ago that Dru and I would have this much trouble conceiving, I would not have believed them. 

Here they are... just 5 little (potentially helping me get pregnant) magic pills :) 

I just took my first pill and I have to say I felt all sorts of emotions as I was taking it. I didn't think I was going to have to do this. I didn't think that God would allow this to continue this long.. for us to have to wait and trudge along on this journey for this long. I always assumed that since I technically didn't have any ovulation issues that I would not have to do clomid. Um, I guess that's why I'm not the doc. I'm very interested to see how my body reacts and if I feel any of the side-effects... who knows.. it could balance my-crazy-self out. 

The side-effects are not very outrageous. We're talking like irritability (got that now), mood swings (got that now), nausea, headaches (huh, definitely have those). So pretty much, I've already got all the symptoms. My poor children, I just hope I don't bite their heads off with all these hormones raging inside of me. I might just need to step outside and take a chill pill, like I tell them to do sometimes. HAHA! :) 

So, this is the deal. I will take clomid for 4 more days. Today is CD (cycle day) 2 and I will take them until CD 6. Then, on CD 10 I will start testing for ovulation. Once I get a smiley face, it's time for the IUI! I'm already full of excitement, but also terrified that it will bring more disappointment. 

Please continue to pray for us. 
Here are a few specific prayer request: 

1. Dru and I would continue to communicate and love each other as we continue on this journey. 
2. My emotions would be steady and that my eyes would be on Jesus and not my circumstances. (thanks to a sweet friend for this reminder!!!) 
3. My stress level would remain at a manageable level. 
4. Wisdom - pray for us as we make these decisions related to our family and our future. I want them to most of all, to glorify the Lord. 
5. For the Lord to allow my brain to rest and for my focus to be on taking care of Dru, spending time with friends/family, and teaching my kiddos! 

Seriously, so grateful for your love and prayers. And bravo to you for reading this epically long post. 


Love ya, 
KB

The Best is Yet to Come.

shirt: from Gap

I heart a plan.

Today was the day, I've been waiting for... answers about what's next in our journey to have our baby. 

It all started this morning around 7:30, Dru and I jumped in the car and we were off to the races. Dru knew that I was on edge, so he was making me laugh (he is always making me laugh, but more than usual this morning). He knows me all to well and knew that I was so nervous about the unknown, that he was gonna do whatever to cheer me up and get me laughing. I freakin' love him! 

Oh, mapquest.... it took us around it circles and through a neighborhood that we did not need to go through, but we kept our cool. Go us! We arrived at Alabama Fertility Specialist at 9:45, 15 minutes early. (My dad would be proud! He says, 15 minutes early is on time!) We were cutting up, laughing, and masking the enormous amount of nerves that were actually going on in our minds, hearts, and bodies. 

We were called back and of course, the dreaded weigh-in was done and blood pressure taken. My blood pressure was extremely high....ummm...wonder why? Little did we know, we would be waiting for ONE HOUR in the room! Yes, one hour. Dru fell asleep and I occupied my time with Pinterest, what else is there???

Dr. S came in and began getting to know us around 11:00 a.m. We went through all our information, our concerns, his concerns, and so on. Probably the most disturbing thing that we ran across, was in actuality we've been trying to have a baby since Aug. 2008. That's when we technically stopped preventing with birth control. That's a very long time to not be preventing and still not be pregnant. So, after going through ALL of our history, this is the plan that we are about to run with. 

Game Plan: 

• I do have endometriosis, a very mild case, but it's enough to cause me MAJOR pain during my period and enough to contribute to our infertility. 
• I will start taking Clomid after my next period is over, which will be on about Jan. 27th. (I will blog about Clomid later in another blog post)
• On day 10 of my cycle, which will be Jan. 30, I will call the doc and she will review my instructions. 
• I will begin testing with a Clear Blue Easy Digital ovulation kit on Day 10. I will be waiting for my LH surge. When my LH surge is detected, a smiley face will appear, it's quite exciting :) I will have to test everyday between 11:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. (That's going to be interesting, because I'm kinda responsible for 20 children throughout the day, but whatev, I'll make it work!) 
• When the smiley face graces us with its presence... I will call BEFORE 2:00 p.m. on that day and schedule my IUI for the next day. An IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) means that they will take D's sperm, "wash" them, and then place them in my uterus VERY close to the eggs that are being released. This way they have a MUCH GREATER chance of finding that glorious egg. Enter baby mixture. 
• Oh and btw, Dru asked me do they use soap when they "wash" them? Um, no, crazypants... I'm not sure exactly what that all entails, but I do know that it takes about one to two hours to do this step. 
• After the spermies are put inside my body, we wait. That's obviously the most trying and most difficult part. 
• One week after my IUI, I will need to go see doc or have my progesterone level measured here in AU. This will clue us into if the IUI worked and if we are in fact, PREGNANT! 

Now, those are the steps in the process this cycle, but he did pretty much lay out the whole plan. We will try 3 cycles of Clomid and IUIs. If we do not get pregnant, then we will start shots and do 3 more rounds of IUIs. If then we are still not pregnant, that's when we will do a cycle of IVF. 

All this to say, we have a long road ahead of us, but a really exciting one. I can not even explain how hopeful I am about the possibility of meeting our baby (or babies) THIS year! Oh and I say babies because taking Clomid comes with the possibility of multiples. There is pretty much a 50% chance of us having twins by taking Clomid. Dru and I would welcome the idea of twins. Friends, we do not care if we have just one baby, or more than one baby. We will be over the moon with boys, girls, one, two, three... whatever the Lord gives us! 

I know, longest post ever. Thanks for reading and caring about us. We are so grateful for the support of our friends and family. This journey would be wayy more difficult if we did not have y'all. 

Blessed by you, 

KB

And for your enjoyment. Here are some pictures of the trip. 

Just a little blood drawing... no biggie. At least the wrappy thingy was pink! 

And that's us. D never "just smiles"... gotta love him! 

Next Step.

Hey there peeps!

We went back to our doc last week and he told us that he thought is was time for us to go to a specialist. This is a good thing, but also scary. This means that we are going to have a new doctor and it also means that ALL the tests start over. This is going to be very exhausting, but it's also exciting because I believe we are closer to having our baby. 

The doc is located in B-ham, but has an office in Montgomery. We are going to the Montgomery office, thankfully. 

I will update after our appointment. Please say a prayer for strength and wisdom for us and the doctors. 

Holler. 

Couldn't have said it better myself.

I follow a blog of a women that struggled with infertility, but now has a little boy named Henry! I do not personally know her, but I feel like I do :) 

This post is about National Infertility Month and some things you should NEVER say to women struggling with infertility (or any woman, because she might be struggling and you might not know). 

Let's get down to the nitty gritty.

So I've decided to be totally transparent on this blog.. so that's your warning if you don't want to know the intimate details of our journey to have our baby... Here we go. 

I want to first of all recap on what our journey has entailed thus far. 

• It all started in April of 2009 when Dru and I decided to ditch the contraception methods and let the Lord do His thing. 
• So we just kinda did our thing and just didn't prevent ourselves from becoming pregnant. 
• In December of 2010 for Christmas Dru told me that he really wanted to "try" to have a baby. Seriously, the BEST gift I could have ever wished for at Christmas. (Side note - I've wanted a baby since I was like 10, no really, I've always dreamed of being a mommy!)
• So after those months of trying, but not really "trying", we decided to go ahead and go the doc to get the ball rollin'.
• Jan. 2011 - First doc appointment - let the blood tests begin! 
• Feb. 2011 - hormone testing - progesterone, amongst other things were tested. 
• All of my hormone testing came back totally normal. 
• We continued to try to conceive until we went back to the doctor that summer. Doc said next step would be an HSG test. 
• He administered the HSG test Nov. 2011, everything was normal, imagine that! 
• So, we were hopeful that it might have opened up the way, and help us get pregnant. (Or not!)
• Next... we tried for another 7 months with no luck. 
• Doc said next step was a exploratory laparoscopic  surgery. My fab doc, in a very kind way, said that there is only about 15% chance that he would find anything to remove. I was so very hopeful that he would need to remove something that was causing us not to be able to get pregnant. 
• Well... he actually did find stuff... a good bit actually... endometriosis (very little), scar tissue, about 5 or 6 cysts. This was GREAT NEWS.... but....
• We are still not pregnant and it's been almost 7 months since that surgery. Granted I've been sick a good bit, but still we hoped for good results after removing all that yucky stuff :) 
• Jan. 7th, 2013 we had another appt with the Doc! That's when he explained to us that he was referring us to a specialist in Montgomery. 
• I actually received a call yesterday and we have an appt set up for Thursday, at 10:00 a.m.
• We are very hopeful and interested to see how this part of our journey is going to unfold. 

And.... there you have it! 

More to come soon! 

Thanks for reading :) 

infertility.

Yes. Dru and I have officially been labeled an "infertile" couple. To be honest, I regret so much not posting or journaling about this whole journey. I know that I have found such comfort in other stories of couples struggling with infertility. I dream one day of being able to share this very long and difficult journey with someone who needs to hear it to get them through. 

I will write a post later on about all of the blood work, procedures, and surgeries I have done thus far, but tonight I just wanted to put this information out here in cyber world and just vent. 

I am so very humbled at how many friends at work and at church that tell me that they are thinking of me or just send me random text messages that they are praying for us. I can not even explain what this means. Prayer is so powerful. I literally feel the presence of God surrounding me and helping me get through each day. His presence has never been needed more and more available to me in all my life. 

This is unlike anything I've ever experienced before, and I know that there is a reason and I do have hope. But, sometimes that hope gets lost for a little while. It might take me a few days to get myself out of the pit of depression, but with prayer and Dru... I seem to get through it. 

I do update a lot of my very close friends or people that ask me just in conversation, but I do feel like this blog will help me release all my thoughts and feelings.... when I want to and how I want to. I know that sounds a little crazy, but I've got a lot, I mean a lot, of c-r-a-z-y stuff going on in my head! 

Now to update on where we are as of yesterday... Dru and I went to see my fabulous doc! He is the absolute best ever! He explained to us that after one year of TTC and then coming to see him and TTC another year that it was time for us to see a specialist. Can I just say first of all, that I was aware this was coming, but it hit me like a ton of bricks when I actually heard the word, infertility, come out of his mouth. I think it just became like a real diagnosis at that point. He told us that our records and information will be sent over and the office will be contacting us, so until then.. We wait. What do ya know? That's what I've been doing for 2+ years. What's another 2 or 4 weeks? 

Whoa. I feel such a sense of relief. Believe it or not, the Lord has been tugging at my heart to do this for WEEKS! Glad it's done. 

Check ya later, gators. 

oh the places we go.

I have never been here before... this is all very new to me. Say a prayer for me if you think about it.

While reading, I came across some verses I'm going to meditate on...

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us. Oh, Lord, even as we put our hope in you."
Psalm 33:20-22

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4

"For the word of the Lord is right and true; He is faithful in all he does." Psalm 33:4

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4