casting your cares

Took this tonight after my run tonight. I have had a few rough days, so I'm kinda digging myself back out of those thoughts of... why me? when is it my turn? where are my babies? when will they be in my arms? when will I get to prepare a nursery for our babies? 

All of these questions have been plaguing my mind. I just laid in the bed last night with tears just streaming down my face, thinking about my babies that WILL someday be in my arms. 

Somehow. 

Someway. 

They will get to us. 

They will be ours. 

And boy, will we love them! 

It's going to be so sweet, because of this journey that we've been on, when we are finally holding what we've prayed for for so long. 

I do know this, God is faithful. He has always been and He will always be. I have definitely learned how to cast my cares. I did it this morning, otherwise, I would have cried today at school and we just can't have any of that. 

I called out to Him and He answered. 

He took away my pain. 

That's the kind of God that I serve. 

Gonna rest tonight knowing who holds my heart and future. 

so grateful. 

KB 

All things new.

Gosh, I'm finally getting this written on here! I've wanted to blog everyday, but I just couldn't get my thoughts together {in a good way}. The Lord is speaking all the time {through friends, random conversations, and my quiet time.} 

Of course, the sermon today was right on point. Part of it is exactly what's been going on in my heart. 

We sang a new song at Highlands written by the awesome John Larson.... & it's about making all things new. The song really touched my heart so deeply because that's what this summer has been all about for me. God has redeemed me and given me such joy.

Pastor Chris started a new series today.... can I just say that I look forward to hearing from him each Sunday? He's such a great teacher & he is living to further the kingdom. 

The message was about close encounters & Jacob's encounter with Jesus. 

{Watch tonight @ 6:00p.m. if ya can!}

Until you have an encounter with Jesus you can not fully understand His love for you. You must experience it. Not someone else, YOU. It's very difficult to love and trust Him if you've never encountered  His presence and love. 

I was in need of an encounter with Him this summer. I needed to meet with Him. I needed to know that He had not forgotten me. I needed to know that He had plan. BUT, I had to get there by taking control myself, so that He would be all that I had. It was said today, that either we must take the initiative, or God will allow events to happen that will bring us to our knees, so that He is all we have.

God did this. He allowed me to go through the events from February to April, through procedures and meds, knowing that none of them would get me the end results that I longed so desperately for. He knew. And even though I, so stubbornly & selfishly, made those decisions, He was ready, waiting to embrace me & forgive me for taking things into my own hands. {What a gracious and loving Father we have.} 

 I have encountered the Living God & He has made all things new. 

There were three points that PC made in part 2 of the message. They outlined perfectly what has taken place in my life because of this encounter with Jesus.  

1. A new strength. 

I am strengthened because I am not relying on my own power to get me through each day. It is the opposite of what we think. We think that if we try and try and try some more on our own, we will get more done. NOT TRUE! It's only when we rely on Him and are weak that we receive His perfect strength.

It says in Isaiah 40:29-31, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; BUT those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. 

2. A new identity. 

When you have an encounter with God, you are given a new name. He has given me a new name. I am a new creation, a new wife, a new daughter, a new friend. I'm able to be all of these things because I encountered His presence. 

It says in Isaiah 43:18-19, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. 

3. A new joy. 

When you have an encounter with the Lord, you are filled with a new joy. A joy that is overflowing & unexplainable. I can definitely say that He has given me this joy. It is so deep in my soul and I pray that it can be seen by others. This is the gospel. People will wonder what is causing this joy... They will wonder & you will be able to tell them... Jesus did this. 

In Psalm 16:11, the Bible says, "You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." 

Whoa.

Long post. 

Sorry about that. 

Props to you for reading all of it. 

The Lord is good.... So good.  

Hope each of you are having a blessed day... If you haven't spent some time with Jesus today, I encourage you to do it. You won't regret it. 

Much LOVE! 

I like adoption.

While I was reading stalking blogs, I came across the sweetest blog, One Happy Family. 

It's about a family's journey to adopt their son. 

The blogger posted this video she saw on facebook. 

Ya'll. 

I was crying my eyes out. 

Just the sweetest. 

Seriously, Jesus is all up in this. 

Watch it here. 

Much love :) 

with my whole heart

Yes, Lord... I do! With my whole heart. With everything that is in me. I am trusting and leaning on your Word and strength. 

I have been thinking so much about trust lately. The Lord has really been confirming in my heart that we are on the "right" track. That is such an amazing feeling considering where we've been over the past three years. I told a friend earlier today that I am so overwhelmed with peace right now, more than ever. And I'm beyond grateful for this peace. 

I also don't think I've ever been called before in my life to trust God like I'm being asked to right now. When you have a "plan" for your life and it doesn't go the way you envisioned it, then one of two things happen... you take things into your own hands and hope things turn out okay OR you listen to the Holy Spirit, rely on Him, and trust that His plan is the best. 

Don't know about you, but I'm going with the 2nd option. 

So, once again, He is continuing to speak to me and assure me that He is with me. Every step of this journey. 

I challenge you, wherever you are in your journey, to drop everything and just do a heart check. Make sure you are in the center of God's Will, doing what He would have you do. I'll tell ya, a sure sign that you are is there is a peace that passes all understanding... 

Get it now, it will rock your world. 

Happy Saturday night to each of you. 

Get your booty to church tomorrow and worship the One who saved us! 

Much love, 

KB

gettin' healthy #2

Yes, here we go again! More healthy info, people... GET EXCITED!

One of my dear friends has been talking to me about sodium nitrate and the dangers of consuming food that contains it. Of course, I've been eating foods for who knows how long with sodium nitrate in them. Oh dear. Not a good plan. 

Since learning about this... {Side note: I LOVE lunch meat!} I learned that there are versions of lunch meat without nitrates! Can I get a HOORAY!? I was very excited to know that I can still enjoy lunch meat without this dangerous cancer causing chemical... WHOO WHOO! 

Here are some links so you can read up for yourself: 

Baby Hopes 

LIVESTRONG

Eat something green! 

Later gators! 

KB

expectant heart

Over the past few months {really much longer than that, but it's just now coming into focus} the Lord has been working on our hearts. He is bringing our dreams together, making them one. More on that later. 

I am just so in awe of how much love is around us and how blessed we are. I have said over and over again that I am focusing on the 99%. I am determined to not live my life based on the 1% of my life that "isn't what I dreamed it would be". That is not how the Lord wants us to live. He wants us to glorify Him in everything, in every situation. That is one of the thousands of things the Lord is teaching me on this journey.  

Another something that has blown me away is my sweet husband. He is legit, y'all. He amazes me everyday and is such a blessing to me. I am so thankful that he is mine. We are continuing to pray and seek right now for what is next for our family. I will update the blog world when the time comes, but please join us in prayer for wisdom and guidance. The Holy Spirit will guide you on how to pray, yeah, that's awesome. I serve an amazing God. 

Happy Sunday to each of you! 

I pray the Lord brings peace to your hearts today. 

Rest in Him. 

Love, 

KB 

gettin' healthy #1

I posted a while ago about some changes that Dru and I are making to live longer and healthier lives, so I wanted to update you on the most recent one.... we are getting rid of BPA!

Two of my closest friends are big believers in all things organic and healthy. They have had great influence on my life over the past year and challenging me to make some healthy changes. I am very grateful, because I was very ignorant to what all of the things I was putting in my body and what they were doing to me.

So, I guess it's been about a few months, but Dru and I cleaned out our cabinets and removed all of our plastic containers. Don't worry, I didn't throw them away, I gave them to a local thrift store and to my parents :) I guess that kinda defeats the purpose, but oh well. We will slowly stop using canned goods, but I'm not throwing those away. {I have tons of canned goods.} I also will not buy any more plastic cups, we will drink out of glass.  

I wanted to share some research with you that I have come across, but honestly most of what I'm learning is from my friends. A sweet blog friend of mine over at Team Harries Beats Infertility, shared a little about what they are doing to beat infertility naturally. One of those ways is by getting rid of BPA! Go check it out! Another blog I have been reading is called Naturally Knocked Up and she discusses why BPA is just no good :)

Stay tuned for more ways the Birkelands are gettin' healthy! 

Love, 

KB

exodus 23:26

A sweet & amazing woman of God at my church prayed this verse over me at a meeting one night. I haven't forgotten it and I continue to pray it over myself. 

Those of you who are struggling with infertility & Jesus is you Savior, please find rest and hope in this verse! 

He is ALL we need. 

Happy Thursday!! 

KB

being thankful in everything

Today, once again, Jesus Calling was right on. It's kinda crazy how every day I read this and it just slaps me in the face. Today was no exception. 

June 22: Jesus Calling

THANK ME for the very things that are troubling you. You are on the brink of rebellion, precariously close to shaking your fist in My Face. You are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining about My treatment of you. But once you step over that line, torrents of rage and self-pity can sweep you away. The best protection again this indulgence is thanksgiving. It is impossible to thank Me and curse Me at the same time.

Thanking Me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first. But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith, will eventually make a difference in your heart. Thankfulness awakens you to My Presence, which overshadows all your problems.

Philippians 4:4-6 (The Message) 

^4-5 Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you’re on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!

^6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Psalm 116:17 (NKJV)

I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving, And will call upon the name of the Lord.

*********************************************************************************

Awesome, huh?

And did I mention that signs of George approaching are here... which puts me in the throws of self-pity and anger. The Lord knew how much I need to hear this from Him and exactly how to speak to me. 

I think it's safe to say that the "thing that is troubling me" is the fact the Dru and I do not have a baby and have been trying for a long time. I was extremely challenged when I read this devo this morning, because I realized that if I didn't start thanking the Lord now that I would definitely sink down into the depths of the craziness that is self-pity. And that means that I would be missing out on the life that I'm living right now because I would be so concerned about what I don't have in my life. It got me thinking about the things that I am grateful for... here's my list. I'm sure it could go on for pages and pages. I'm blessed beyond comprehension. 

So, today, I am thankful...

I am thankful that the Lord is allowing us to walk through this trial together. 

I am thankful that He is continuing to write our story, no one else's. 

I am thankful for my family and friends that care so deeply for us. 

I am thankful for the opportunities that I have had to talk about how faithful the Lord is and how He is sustaining us. 

I am thankful that the Lord continues to show His faithfulness through our finances, our marriage, and our friends & family. 

It's really hard to think about what you don't have when you thank Him for what you do have. You should totally try it, dare ya :) 

I hope this encourages you and speaks to you as strongly as it did me. No matter what trial you are currently walking through, the Lord is there. He is within reach. Thank Him today for what He has done. 

Happy Saturday night!

KB

Take that & rewind it back...

Ummm..... Can I have your attention, please?!?!?!!? 

Please check out the information below!!! YES!!! Holler at ya FAT! 

And no blog post would be complete without pictures of my sweet little Boobug! :) 

This is her at the pool the other day... I'm happy to say that I'm spending probably wayy too much time at the pool, but hey, that's what summer is ALL about! They are moving on Sunday, so I'm soaking up every last second with her... #tears #lovehersomuch

Happy Thursday night :) 

Oh and tomorrow is our FIVE year anniversary. I'll definitely post about it at some point this weekend, also coming to a blog near you.... some of my DIY projects for the summer... YAY!!!

 Hope you guys have a great weekend!

Love y'all, 

KB

Sweet Summertime!

Hellllloooo frannnnds!!!

I have missed writing... but boy have I had a refreshing month! The month of May brought a lot of relaxation and reflection for both Dru and me. I truly believe the Lord lead me to this point for a reason and that a break was definitely a must! I also believe that I needed to go through the last 7 months (more like 4 years) to get to where I am right now and that is a place of peace and contentment. 

That could mean a lot of things, but for me it means that I am satisfied where the Lord has me and satisfied with what He has given me. 

Dru and I have decided that for now, we will not be doing any procedures or medicine to try to conceive. We will continue to seek the Lord and wait to hear His voice. Where He leads, we will follow. 

I want to say another thank you to those of you praying for us, for the letters and cards we receive in the mail, the texts, the emails.... it is just so amazing how the Lord is revealing Himself through all of the people close to me. I am just simply in awe of Him. 

I will continue to write, but I will probably be drifting away from infertility/baby making related things. 

Please continue to read because the Lord is about to do something awesome! 

Ohhh just wait.... 

It's going to be unbelievable and amazing!  

I can't wait to share our story, the one He has already written just for us. 

Much love to each of you, 

KB

Overwhelming peace

The Lord is at work, my friends. Just over the past few days, I've felt this wave of peace fall over my heart and mind. I am oh-so grateful. The Lord is here. He is with me. I feel Him. 

I've decided that the month of May is going to be set aside for refreshing my mind, body, and soul. I know that sounds so cheesy, but it's exactly what I need. 

I've decided to step away from social media, including blogging. I am also going on a pretty intense diet, which will awake my heart to earn for Jesus and only Him.

I will, however, still be checking my email. My email address is kaileyabirkeland@gmail.com if you would like to contact me. I would love to hear from you. If you are struggling with infertility and you have something you would like for me to pray for specifically, PLEASE email me. I will add you to my list :) 

I mean it will ALL my heart....THANK YOU for your prayers and support :) 

Love you all! 

KB

HIS plan, not mine

Hello there!

Can I just say how excited I am that we made this decision to take a break? Literally just the past three days have made a huge difference in my heart and mind. Dru and I have decided to take May & June off of procedures and meds. I think it's honestly the really really good decision for us right now. I actually cancelled my appt set for tomorrow. I really don't even want a plan.... yes, you read that right... Kailey doesn't want a plan? Ha! I know, what is wrong with me? I'll tell you what's wrong with me....The Lord is drawing me near to Him. He is speaking more and more to me about relying on Him during this season and following His plan, not mine. I am going to be taking a hiatus from blogging amongst other social media things the month of May. Also, during the month of May I will be doing a weight loss program called, Medifast. I am so very excited to get my body back to the way it's suppose to look... BHAHAHAHA! It's been a while, my friends, it's been a while. But, it's time to get it together, especially since our fam beach trip is coming up. I also just want to feel good again. 

I will leave you with ways that you can pray for Dru and me over the next month or so. 

Thank you so much for hanging in there with us during the very trying and difficult season.

Please pray that I/we would:  

• Draw near to the Lord during this time and to each other. 
• Be able to hear the Lord's voice very clearly. 
• Have clear direction as to what is next in this journey. 
• Discipline ourselves to dive into His Word and trust Him. 
• Discipline myself to lose weight and feel good again. 
• Be satisfied in our love for each other and our family of 2.
• Be REFRESHED!! 

Much love to each of you! Have a fabulous Sunday! :) 

KB

and.... BREAK!

 I got a much needed mani/pedi this afternoon.... LOVE the new colors! :) #veryrelaxing #neededthat

 And now the disappointing news. IUI #3 did not work. I'm not pregnant, again. Bummer, I know. Myself, along with many others, really thought this was it. It's so difficult to NOT think it's not it. 

I found this quote somewhere on Instagram. It is so very important to me that I try my very best to keep this type of attitude. A thankful attitude. Am I going to be sad? Yes. 

Am I going to be disappointed? Most definitely. 

Am I going to cry? Oh yes. 

BUT!

Is God still God? YES!

Is He still in control? YES!

Does He only want the best for me? YES! 

That is what I'm going to focus on. 

If God has said, "No" to you, THANK HIM! He wants nothing but the BEST for his kids! 

What's next, you ask... 

Like I said before, Dru and I are definitely taking a break this cycle, maybe even two cycles. We have an appt with our RE for Monday, April 29th. We can either go ahead with the appt or wait until about 2 weeks before we want to start meds/procedures again. I think we will probably go ahead and meet this Monday to get a plan for the next time we dive in. 

My RE called today and because of my progesterone levels, he wants to double my dosage of clomid next time from 50mg to 100mg. That means I would be taking two a day. I am thinking that we will figure out how much insurance will cover with the injectables and then go from there. My nurse said that without insurance they are around $1,500. Needless to say, if insurance doesn't cover them, we will need to save up for them. 

We are taking this break for many reasons. 

I love a list, so here it goes. 

1. My body needs some time to get back to normal. 

2. I need to lose weight; it's gotten out of control. 

3. I am emotionally drained. 

4. I need to refocus my heart and my attention on Jesus.

5. May is going to be cray-cray {in a good way!} We've got tons of stuff going on! 

I will most likely be stepping away from social media amongst other things to get refocused, but I'll be figuring that out over the next few days. I need to spend some time with Jesus and just be near Him. I need Him. period. 

Thanks for reading this really long post. You people rock. 

KB

fifteen smifteen

I got my progesterone results this afternoon. It was 7.66, which made me question my nurse. She was very reassuring that I did ovulate. She said even though my RE says it needs to be a 15, she said that anything above a 5 means ovulation. 

Of course, after I got off the phone, I almost broke down into tears, BUT... then I heard the Holy Spirit speak directly to my heart....

GOD IS BIGGER. 

PERIOD. 

I'll end with that 

{because nothing else really matters!}

Weekend, 5dpiui, & TMI

What a fabulous, fun, and busy weekend! It all started with spending time with none other than Miss Brooklyn Chase! Boy, do I LOVE that child. Here she is reading. The child LOVES books, I mean, LOVES!

 

 

Here we are taking a sweet little nap... oh sweet cuddles. I could just eat her up!

 

 Random highlight: My Mom drove my car to run some errands and filled my tank up! She bascially rocks.

 

 

Something fun! I helped host a couple shower for two of our closest friends that are getting married May 24th. Dru is singing, I am a bridesmaid, my dad is officiating, and my mom is directing. Needless to say, we are all very involved :) Saturday night was so much fun. I tried to snap some pictures of the decor, food, and the guests! Oh, wedding season, you are officially here.

 

Now, on to the TMI...

that's your warning. Don't continue reading if you don't want to know some

not-so-appealing things about me.

 

I have had sore boobs since the day after my IUI, there I said it. I normally have sore boobs a couple of days before George starts, but that's it. The past two IUI/clomid cycles have not included the whole sore boobs thing. I also have been dizzy too. The other day at school I almost fell over. My poor schools babies were like, "Mrs. B, are YOU okay?!" So concerned. But then they laughed after I was okay :) Oh, I love them so.

 

I am also keeping myself distracted.

*See above*

I had to look and see how many dp I was! This is weird for me. I'm normally disturbingly aware of what CD I am and how many dpo/dpiui I am. I really feel as though the Lord is blessing me by allowing me to focus on other important things. I am very grateful. I have so many blessings in my life that need and deserve my attention. TTC should not consume everything about my life, but I'm ashamed to say, it does. I'm working, people. I'm working.

 

Now, to go finish washing clothes... Happy Sunday everyone! I hope everyone is taking some time to relax, spend time with Jesus, and your families.

 

Much love!

KB

 



And the TWW begins...

I had every intention of posting last night, but I was too busy hanging with a sweet friend! I was able to snap a few shots to document my day, which started well, got a little rocky, but ended extremely well! :) 

It all started on the ride there when I received a call that my fav nurse called in and said she wasn't going to make it! I was not a happy camper, but like most of the time, my amazing hubs calmed me down. 

This song came on Pandora while I was driving and I just started crying. Even in the middle of all my doubt and confusion the Lord is THERE. He is in the midst of all this pain and hurt. He is helping me a long and speaking truth to me the entire time. I just have to listen. That's sometimes the hard part. I don't know why, but it's easier for some reason to listen and believe the negative stuff. Add this to the list of things I'm working on :) 

I also got sweet texts throughout the day, along with encouraging quotes and verses! Y'all are legit. 

This would be my hubs. He was saying that he didn't want to smile. Well too bad, crazy pants, I'm taking your picture! :) 

Here we go! IUI #3... Hopefully, three's a charm :) 

After the IUI, I met of with my sweet friend, Nikki. We actually went to elementary school together, but reconnected like 5 years ago. The Lord has brought us really close because of the journey that we share. So thankful for her. 

That's it. It was a pretty awesome day. I am busy finding distractions for the next two weeks. I'm planning a shower this weekend and going to a wedding next weekend, so hopefully that will do the trick! {YEAH, RIGHT!!!} 

Holler at ya.

KB

Game on!

I got a smiley face today at 11 a.m. and my IUI is scheduled for 8 a.m. in the morning. Dru is in another city so we are meeting in Birmingham. HA! That just cracks me up... I mean, really? I should write a book! 

I am OH so hopeful and very excited. I talked with the receptionist today and requested the nurse that I had the first time because I didn't have such a great experience last time. She texted me and said that she WILL be there! YAY! I also am having major ovulation pain, which I was assured was a GOOD thing. 

I am obviously taking off work tomorrow, but will head back in teach my school babies on Wednesday. I will head back after the procedure and take it easy the rest of the day and night. 

Even though I'm so hopeful that this IUI results in a baby, my HOPE is in Jesus. That's all the Lord is asking of me! 

Keep Hoping & prayers appreciated! 

KB

12,000... Do whaaaat???

Yes, my blog has had over 12,000 views. I'm in shock. I am so honored that so many people are reading about our journey {and our lives}. When I started blogging about our journey in January, I only had like 15 followers and about 1,000 page views. HA! That's so amazing. 

I seriously can't say it enough, thank you. Thank you for the prayers, texts, and comments! 

Now, for an update: 

I am on CD 16 and I haven't seen a smiley face yet. I was predicting I'd see it today, but I did not. I had everything ready for a sub tomorrow, too. Oh well. Tomorrow will be CD 17, which is the cycle day I got a smiley face for our first IUI cycle. 

I am, of course, very cautious about getting my hopes up. I was reading the blog of a fellow infertility blogger and she mentioned that it's so difficult to be hopeful yet, realistic. You just don't want your hopes to be crushed again. 

Once again, I have HOPE even if there's not a baby in my belly. I am challenged every day to remember this and stand on that HOPE. 

Thanks for reading and I hope you have a fabulous week! 

KB

Let Hope In.

A sweet friend of mine sent both of these videos to me last week. Wow. That's all I can say. I've listened to it over over and over again. The first video is the actual song, the second video is the story behind the song. 

The couple that wrote the song are "friends of a friend" and I am so very excited about sharing this song with others. 

Yes, we all know that this song speaks to me because of what I'm going through, but this can apply to ANY thing that you are believing God for. The Lord wants you to HOPE with all your heart and to lean on Him. He is going to pull us through to the the other side! Psalm 37:4 is my favorite verse and I will continue to meditate on it and believe it. The Lord did not give the desire to me to have children to not bless me with them. I am choosing to LET HOPE IN! That's all He is asking me to do....(and YOU!!!) 

Have a great night :)

KB